I’ve written quite a bit on here about my value of assigning positive intent in my relationships. It has helped me so much in my marriage, with my relationship with feedback, and in my journey towards self-kindness. It’s been in my peripheral vision for some time now that impact is different than intent and that impact also matters. But it’s finally clicking this week, with everything happening culturally around the inherent dignity of black lives, that impact is actually a higher rubric than intention. It is my new goal to take responsibility for my impact while holding necessary space for my intention. I can hold space within myself to validate a good intention while still taking public responsibility for a harmful impact.
This space, my blog, has been a wonderful way for me to share my faith deconstruction experience, learn to tune into my own voice, and to express my anger, which was an emotion I had blocked within myself (I think this is common for evangelical women). The impact has been largely positive. However, the impact has not been only positive. I have written posts that have hurt people, ended relationships, and created lasting impacts in my personal life. And while I think sometimes pain leads to growth (hello our current racial justice tension - this is the way forward towards systemic change), it does not mean that people who were just going about their lives found themselves being called out by me publicly appreciated my writing about them. I understand that part of writing in public inevitably creates some negative reactions, but I also want to take responsibility for the impact I’ve made that has been harmful.
I certainly don’t want to link the posts that created harm here, but I do want to name people who I have harmed in my writing. I want to apologize to Ben Cook, Billy and Brenda McKenzie, and Kristi Belt for any harm my writing caused you. The impact of my self-expression in your life has not exactly been life-giving. And for that, I am sorry.
It’s amazing how long some things take to click in my mind. I think that might be just how learning works. But I’d rather apologize really late than not apologize at all. I’m truly sorry for hurting you.