I had an epiphany the other day in supervision at work*. I’m at the beginning of a 12 month residency as a chaplain and my days are full of tragedy and self-evaluation. I was talking about the heartbreak of experiencing how unfair it is that the poor are poor. And my supervisor was like, well, do you think Jeff Besos deserves his billions? And I said, of course not! We both exploded with laughter. And it suddenly became crystal clear that no one deserves what they have, whether it’s that they have way too much or not nearly enough. Deservedness is not how life on earth delegates resources. Frankly, it has nothing to do with it at all. And while we can look at our systems of capitalism or a racist “justice” system to try to course correct for how unfair our society continues to be (and we should!), acknowledging that deservedness is actually not even a factor that life on planet earth cares about frees me.
It frees me from trying to make life fair. Because if life on earth was based on deservedness, there would be the possibility of fairness. But when you take deservedness away, fairness also falls away. And my expectation that things “should” be a certain way, a fair way, a right way can be released as well. It adds to the suffering of being with the suffering when I also believe that it’s not fair. It takes things from “what the hell?” to “of course, it’s not fair. That’s not even how this works.” Not that we can’t desire it or try to make it so, but it’s just not actually a force at work in the world in the first place. Fairness, true fairness, is not something I can expect to experience in any sort of enduring way in this life.
I have such a deep desire for justice and fairness. And I think that comes from the Divine. But using that desire to try to right the wrongs of the world as if that’s actually mine to do or even possible becomes an exhausting, futile experience. It tempts me to take on all the world’s ills. Seeing the heartbreak of the world, and now living in it and with it every single day compels me to want to make the world a better place. And that has always been true of me. But if I think deservedness is actually a factor or that fairness is a real possibility if we just try hard enough, I might be less able to endure the reality that we actually live in day to day. And that’s my actual job - to get into the darkness with people who are hurting. So my framework needs to course correct.
Maybe the way I change the world is to live in the world that actually exists. To be present in that reality and to be present with others while they experience the heartbreak and chaos and randomness that is life on life’s terms. If this moment is all we have, maybe the effort that I lean into is just fully experiencing it, not trying to contain or change it, even if the painful reality is that this moment might just be too damn much.
*I’m doing a 12 month residency at a level one trauma center as a chaplain resident. It means I’ll have an additional 4 units of CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education), which includes shift work with patients and their families and education days where we get into the thick of our own shit as a cohort group and it’s crazy intense. It’s incredible and also bonkers.