No Perfect Side

I love having more moderate people in my life. My husband is a rational, moderate person theologically and politically. His views function as a way for me to touch base outside of my progressive media sources. My brain tends to operate in black and white and I feel so comfortable with a binary world. Not in the gender or orientation way, but in the "good versus bad" system. I want to be a good guy and I want to fight and beat the bad guys. Don't we all? When I was a conservative Christian, I was trained to see "the world" (everyone who didn't believe in Jesus) as bad. I was supposed to be so good that they would wonder what was "different" about me and ask me about Jesus. And in the meantime, I would make sure to talk about him a lot and condemn any behavior I thought he would want me to in hopes that somehow that would convert people through shame and rejection. 

Now that I'm a progressive Christian, who was really hurt by a conservative church, I really want them to be the bad guys. I want my side of the street to be tidy and tolerant and kind and I want their side to be ignorant and judgmental and bigoted. Even writing this, my brain is screaming, "But they are! Look at their politics! Look at their theology!" And there is some truth to the way my brain wants to categorize this. As I stated in my recent shaming post, with the majority of evangelicals voting for him, there is legitimate ground to stand on here.  

Unfortunately though, there are good and bad people on both sides. There are people in leadership using others for power and profit. There are judgmental and intolerant people on both sides (please let's not argue about tolerating intolerance...I can't handle it). I really want the Democratic party to be better than the Republican party. And frankly, in some ways, it is. But it's still corrupt, still a power grab, still messy. 

I hate that. I really want things to be clear. There is so much tension in our country and I really want the sides to be drawn in a linear, firm way. Certainly, in cases like Charlottesville, the lines are pretty clear cut. Do you support Nazis or not? But there is no savior in American politics. There is no savior in our culture. And as a former evangelical, that is really disorienting. I've been trained to look for leadership and to follow it blindly with loyalty and faith. Instead, I'm going through the foggy process of recognizing that no leadership is without fault and yet, I still need to act. I need to lead myself. 

I'm attending an ICE Vigil at a detention center this morning in Portland with Penny (Macy started school). As I was thinking about the event at the breakfast table I thought, not all people in detention centers are innocent. Some people belong there because they are trying to hurt our country, commit crimes, take advantage of a broken system, etc. And yet, I will hold space there. Why? Because even in the gray, I choose not to hang my hat on the possibility of mercy being wrong. I will risk defending undeserving people rather than risk leaving innocent people without advocacy. This is EXACTLY why I affirm LGBTQI as a Christian (take that, Nashville Statement!) Of course, I believe I'm right - that God loves everyone and made everyone on purpose, that sexuality is part of that. But if I'm wrong, I'd rather be wrong because I love people. If the line-drawers are wrong, think about how many people they've rejected in the name of God unnecessarily! I cannot and will not do that.

There are SO MANY innocent people in detention centers across this country. Separated from their children, not given an opportunity to even prove their citizenship (seriously, this is happening), for weeks, months, years. And so I will go and I will protest. Not for the undocumented people who might be "bad" but for the possibility that they are, in fact, just like me. Gray. Precious. Loved.

Connection as Prevention

It's funny how when I think about the necessity of human interaction, that Biblical seed of faith planted in me so long ago resurfaces. "It is not good for man to be alone..." And while my faith continues to reshape itself in my adult context, I still hold this to be true, masculine words aside. We, as humans, don't function optimally when isolated. That premise is behind the usage of Peace Circles, the community-building tool I was recently trained to do in Chicago. If children are not safe at home, if children are bullied at school, if children cannot escape rejection online, how does that impact their behavior? Does that lead them to make choices for the betterment of mankind or can that eventually put them in a space of fight, flight or freeze? Any human eventually gets to self-preservation if stripped of connection long-term. That's part of how we've survived this long, right?!?! 

We have children in our school system who are in this predicament. Some of them have never known anything outside of this. If you're as privileged as I am (and was going through school), take a moment and think about that. What would it look like to not feel safe? How would it feel to not have anyone in your life want to hear what you have to say? Would you even know what to say or how to use your voice if given the opportunity? Now, in that head space, how in the world can you expect to ace pre-calculus? How can you wait your turn, give someone the benefit of the doubt, do your homework, deal with teachers who don't understand you and peers who bully you, when your entire life is in chaos? I know this sounds extreme and it's certainly not the case for every American child, but we are in a state of food insecurity, rampant abuse, an overloaded foster care system, an opioid epidemic, and an administration giving permission to blatant bigotry. That leaves our children more vulnerable than we'd like to admit as adults because we're overwhelmed ourselves and we're doing the best we can.

What the hell are we supposed to do? We have a lot of problems to fix. And though social media connects us more than ever, somehow many of us feel more isolated and unwelcome because of it. Enter, PEACE CIRCLES!!!! What would it look like if our communities, including but not limited to, our classrooms, created a safe space for everyone to connect, speak their truth and find commonality without invalidating differences? I cannot tell you the level of connectedness I felt after 4 days of peace circles. We were strangers, you guys! And being apart now for 6 days, I still feel like I'm limping around without my new friends. In real life, we won't be conducting peace circles for 4 days straight but we intend to create communities that keep circle regularly. So it's less of a church camp vibe and more of a daily, connected community. That kind of consistent safety and support could change our country, our world. The tensions that we feel, the defensiveness, the fear, the isolation makes this a less safe, less happy place for all of us. 

Come, keep circle with me! Find connection. And then take that connection and share it with others. Instead of criminalizing our children of color for insubordination, what would it look like it we acknowledged our bias and built bridges instead of walls (get the Trump reference? I'm a nerd). We can do this, you guys. We can take our country back, acknowledge our past and re-write our future. We don't need more of the same bigotry and pain. We need connection. And that, my friends, is what will prevent us from repeating the cycle again and again. 

Listen to People of Color

You guys, I am overwhelmed. Absolutely full to the brim. I’m still at the airport coming from a truly soul-shaking transformative experience. And I’m racing around to plug in my dying laptop at the airport in Chicago because I cannot wait another second to share. There will be many more posts along this topic because there is just too much to write in one sitting and I truly hope I’m able to do this experience justice, which just would not be possible in one post. That also gets me off the hook from feeling like I need to be a fact-sharing reporter of my experience when all I feel prepared to do right now is process the lessons in real time.

For those of you who don’t follow me on Instagram or who may have missed a post or two, I have just left the most beautiful experiential training put on by the NEA (National Education Association) and Advancement Project on a tool called Peace Circles. I will make sure to share resources on how to access this training at another time because if you are an educator, administrator or community member (holla!) this is something you should apply for and experience for yourself. I am trained to keep circles (can’t wait to tell you more!) but I am not trained to train others. So if after hearing more about what Peace Circles are, you want to be trained, I can connect you to that.

So I just got to spend 4 days 9:30-5:30 in this training. It felt like straight up 8 hours of group therapy! And I have to tell you, it was exactly what I’ve been looking for. I think I’ve written in the past about my fascination with black culture in America. Having been in non-diverse settings up and down the west coast for most of my life and not knowing how to pursue relationship with African Americans for fear of committing tokenism I have been in a state of longing. I didn’t know how to dive in and I didn’t want to offend. It was like standing on the edge of the jump rope on the playground as a kid bobbing your head up and down looking for an opportunity to jump in and just not knowing how to get the rhythm right. And because it mattered so much to me and I didn’t want to hurt, I didn’t jump in. Honestly, I think I’ve been in a state of longing since middle school for relationship with African Americans. I had a few dear friends in elementary school who were black, whose homes I was able to spend time in and I was fascinated. It felt good and cool and interesting and different.

I was in a white privilege study at church a few weeks ago and it was discussed that we as white Americans have been segregated from African Americans all along. Not just during “official” post-slavery segregation, but still today. We see it in our neighborhoods, in our churches, in our schools. And what was mentioned was that not only did that segregation fail to be acknowledged but it was also never presented as a loss. White people have been missing out. We’ve been missing black stories, black leadership, black culture. We have co-opted pieces of it in music, dance and food (to name a few areas of which there are many) but we have not allowed black culture to be our culture. It has remained separate. And I tread lightly on this concept because I don’t belong to black culture and it does not belong to me. But black culture speaks to me. And I hope, if you get a chance to be exposed to it in relationship, it will speak to you.

One of the biggest gifts I received at this training was however many hours (about 40) spent in direct, connected relationship with African Americans. I was able to listen to stories. I was able to laugh at jokes. I was able to find commonality while also celebrating cultural difference. It’s not about erasing culture. It’s about rejoicing in the beauty of it. (Not seeing color is not my goal. That’s just ignorance and denial. You don’t have to listen to color if you “can’t” see it). I was able to grieve the state of this country, both in how it was founded and in how it continues to operate. I was able to find myself in every person I encountered and still saw the uniqueness and giftedness of the individual.

I’ve heard this said at a White Allies meeting (as part of #blacklivesmatter) that if you want to know black people, go where black people are. Of course, that sounds silly, like “I’m on a quest for black people!” My new friends shared a laugh with me when I embarassingly confessed to the group, “I’ve always wanted black friends!!!!” And it’s so important to not pursue relationship with people of color in order to prove something about yourself. I see this happen so often (and I’ve felt the impluse as many of us with worthiness issues strive so hard to prove our goodness). I’ve heard the argument “I have a black friend or family member so I can’t be racist” and then go on to hold or support racist ideals. That’s tokenism, as I mentioned above. Don’t use people for their color. We’ve had enough of that. Let me repeat that with all the feeling I have about that - WE’VE FUCKING DONE ENOUGH OF THAT. STOP IT NOW. This is not about exploitation. This is not about co-opting. This is not about sexualization. This is about the pursuit of relationship, true relationship. Not erasing color. But celebrating color. And all color, not just blackness (I kept thinking today Black is Beautiful and it so, so is) but brownness and whiteness. Not “white power” and Neo-Nazi bullshit. But figuring out your roots and honoring that history within your blood. That’s a good thing. Know your story. How else will you share it?

And if there is shame in your story, as I often wrestle with white guilt, acknowledge it. Grieve it. State it aloud to those your race has wronged. Not in a way where you’re looking for forgiveness (they don’t owe you that and that can be making slavery about your feelings. Don’t do that) but in relationship, in a moment where you feel sincere sorrow, take a moment and state that. I got a good sob out about that just this morning. That’s remorse and remorse for wrongdoing is ALWAYS right. But then take the remorse and DO SOMETHING. Come sit in circle. Come make peace. Do something. Be in relationship. Speak up. Show up. March. Vote. Call your Senator. Do you - armed with information. Read - for the love of God, read! There's so much out there. Ask questions! Learn and keep learning. Listen and keep listening. There is no wrong way to be an ally as long as you know you’re never, ever done learning.

Check your Posture

Listen, I consider it to be one of the least appealing parts of my personality, my dislike for being wrong. Even more than being wrong, I hate being called out for in in public. I don't know if it comes from being the youngest of 7 (and therefore the last to learn everything) but I embarrass easily (which is usually a surprise to people because I manifest a lot of public confidence) when put on the spot and corrected. I hate being corrected. I feel a sense of shame. And when my shame voice turns on, the first thing I want to do is point a finger. The defensiveness just is. I don't call it into a situation. It's just there. 

So please take my admonition with this in mind. That I see white fragility through the lens of my own distaste for correction. That shame fills me when I am the recipient of a pointed finger. (As a laughable aside, I find it to be truly one of life's greatest jokes that I share such personal things online with this "stick up my butt" piece of my personality. It's just karmic hilarity at its finest). In order for a white person to identify their own fragility, own it, claim it, learn it and hopefully, in time, keep it in check, one must be willing to make a pretty big ass of oneself. I find white fragility to be both humiliating, repulsive and absolutely innate to my life experience. It was not a choice to be fragile, but rather my reality from birth. 

HOWEVER, as I become more aware of my preciousness, I do get to choose. Do I out myself or do I defend myself? These are the two choices. Be corrected or be an ass. I'm sorry. Both choices suck, am I right? I alluded to this issue in my post almost exactly one year ago (weird) about being a "clumsy advocate" for racial justice. I say stupid things. I'm learning. And when you learn, you look like an idiot at first. Have you ever watched a child learn to walk? Yes, we ooh and ahh, but when an adult does it, we hand them a breathalyzer. It's not as cute. This is the same. When (not if, but when) someone points out your white fragility to you, you might stumble in shame. You might be tempted to defend your position and so many white people have shown you the way. It is so fucking easy. And people will cheer you on because "snowflakes" and "political correctness" are jokes. 

Here's the challenge: can you lean in instead of out? When you perceive a slap, what would it look like for you to lean into it? (I could reference Jesus here but I won't). Is there a lesson in correction? Is it possible that you're not done learning about privilege, fragility and racial injustice, white American? Is it possible? I guarantee I'm not done learning. But I am leaning in to the feedback. And I've stumbled a few less times since I wrote that post a year ago. I'm not a great example. I've got A LONG ROAD ahead of me. But I might be a year or two ahead of you on this life-long road (I'm also light years behind a lot of people) and I highly recommend taking the slap. 

Please check your posture. If you can't listen to negative feedback, even when correct, you will never grow. Your children are watching. Your country needs you. People of color need you to wake up. Not in a white savior kind of way but in a please stop beating innocent people in police department parking lots kind of way. For the love of God, LEAN IN. 

Now is the time to act if you haven't already

Listen, I know some good people voted for #45. I know it. But listen to me friends. If you voted for him and you are also horrified by the white supremacist acts of terror committed in Charlottesville, you need to sit down and put some things together. This man appointed the founder of Breitbart as White House Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon. Amidst the outcry of heroes like Coretta Scott King, he appointed Jeffrey Sessions as the attorney general, a man proven unworthy of lesser roles because he targeted black Americans who were trying to help fellow black Americans get to voting polls. These are two of dozens of questionable appointments. If you need to hear it from his own mouth, it is not hard to find racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophilic comments made by Trump both now and all through the years. 

It is no accident that it took him 48 hours to denounce the Neo-Nazis. That man is quick on the draw when it comes to Nordstrom but hesitates to be specific about murder in our streets. Why? Because he has surrounded himself with the very leaders who inspire such violence. And yes, that includes himself. I'm not saying you're a racist if you voted for Donald Trump (though giving you the benefit of the doubt there is causing me to cringe). I really am trying to put my old, dusty evangelical hat on and imagine myself voting for him 10 years ago. Not because I thought he was awesome but because I believed all the sexist vitriol published about Hillary for decades. I swallowed all that down willingly. You probably did too. And sometimes he says the things you want to hear. Not the grabbing pussies stuff but the sudden about face in regard to abortion and the like. I get it. You might not be a bad person. But you did a bad thing.

You have participated in an election process that has allowed police brutality to be encouraged (remember when he asked the cops to not be too nice?), terror among the undocumented to rise to unprecedented levels (remember when he said he was only going to get rid of the criminals and now anyone can be deported for any reason?) and where Neo-Nazis know they can proudly surround college students with torches and run over innocent women without fear (not to mention the sucker punches and God-bless-him Deandre Harris who almost died in a POLICE DEPT parking garage by beating). No one has been arrested for Charlottesville, though many of the key players were caught on video committing violent assault and have been identified. You need to sit in the role you have played. Take a quick look at the photographs of Deandre Harris. Do a google search. That blood is on your hands.

Let's be clear: I say this to condemn you. We are all part of the problem, even us progressive whities who are horrified by Trump and wouldn't have voted for him upon penalty of death. No doubt. I have privilege; I have inherent bias; I have benefited from my whiteness, from my Christian faith, from my affluence. Every day of my life. In fact, you're more likely to read my opinion here because of those very factors. But you gave a big nudge in the wrong direction with your vote, most likely for your own gain (whatever political benefit you thought you'd find in Trump - maybe even preservation of the Christian faith as the majority in this country!) I really hope you see the selfishness of your choice and experience great remorse as you watch clips of the terror instigated after the car plowed through innocent people, as you see the blood pouring out of Deandre. I really hope you experience remorse. I have faith that some of you will, I really do. 

And, my dear Christian friends, if you do experience remorse, why not take a page out of Jesus' book and lay down your life for your friend? Get off the comfortable Christian white couch and hit the streets. Renounce not just racism but the leader who encourages it. It's okay to make mistakes. It's human. What's more than just human is to not be willing to see them, apologize and make change. Make change. With me. Lay down your privilege. Bind some black wounds. Please. Our nation depends on it. And dare I say it? Brown Jesus would be proud. Peace to your house.

When Patriotism Puts Fellow Americans At Risk

This has been a bat-shit crazy week in the land of the free. I was reading an article on my phone about people on Fox News advocating for Muslim internment camps in this country (Fox News later recanted) while walking through Target's dollar spot seeing all the 4th of July decor. And I just couldn't do it, you know? I couldn't look at the cute cut outs of stars and "land of the free" scrawled on flags while reading inflammatory statements about our fellow countrymen. We're actually talking about repeating one of our most incriminating acts of human rights violations because we're afraid. 90% of the terrorist attacks in America last year were committed by non-Muslims. And 309 people get shot in this country every day. No gun legislation, but let's lock up millions of people on the off chance they might be in the extreme minority and commit an act of terrorism. I was ripping my hair out in the middle of consumer heaven.

I've started struggling more and more each year when it's time to yell hurrah for America. I know how lucky I am to be an American, that I have experienced prosperity and freedom here. I am a white, middle class Christian. My parents are wealthy (though we weren't when I was young). I own my home. I am a stay at home parent. I only work when I want to because I'm self-employed. I say these things to hold both realities - that I am privileged in this country and that this country is really fucked up. 

How do we celebrate America while we actively benefit from oppression? Why the hell are we still celebrating Columbus Day for fucks sake? How can we possibly talk about holding people hostage in this country simply for being Muslim? I want to scream. Is there a way to eat Thanksgiving turkey and not be bitch-slapping the natives we stole this country from? I don't know. I really, really don't know. I know that I'm struggling more and more. And I know I'm not alone. People have been so incredibly hard on Colin Kapernick for kneeling during the National Anthem but I get what he's saying. It's exactly what I'm saying, except he's doing it from the side of a lack of racial privilege. How do you yell hurrah for the country that's actively killing your people in the streets? You don't. You kneel. And pray to God something changes. I respect that.

Is there a way to hold our gratitude for what's working, to enjoy a hot dog and fireworks while still saying, no to the active oppression of others? At what point do our celebrations have a human cost that no amount of flag-waving can deny? How do we say, thank you for your service now can we stop shooting people? I respect the military, the incredible sacrifice that military families make. Hell, I'm from a military family (my dad retired before I was born)! But does gratitude for sacrifice equate to turning a blind eye to the damage we've done to the world? What about what we're doing to the environment? Did you know that Americans with the lowest carbon footprint still pollute twice as much as the global average? We take what we want - whether that be human life, oil, water. We are greedy bitches.

What does it mean to love your country and your fellow man? Is it possible to love our country so much that we want to save it from itself? Can our patriotism be manifested in our activism? Is it possible that Colin kneeling is an act of patriotism? Is he saying, you can do better America and I'm willing to take a hit to stimulate the growth you need to be healthy? Where is the line between love for country and blind enabling? Maybe the guys screaming at each other on C-SPAN (shout out to my man, Bernie) are the ones who love America the most? 

We have an addiction to dominance. We don't know how to deescalate. Look at United Airlines! We don't know how to disagree without violence. It was embedded in our culture from the second our boats hit the shore. Is it possible for an entire nation to go to violence rehab? Is there hope for us? I know this. If there is, whether you eat a hot dog and sing the national anthem or not, the hope will only become a reality if we do something about it. Whether you're proud to be an American or you're ashamed, love your country enough to make it better. We're all we've got and we've got a hell of a long way to go.

Social Perceptions of Social Services

I've been wanting to write about social services for a long time. We have been on some form of social services since we were fired from ministry almost 6 years ago. Even with my successful business and Tim working full-time, non-profits are just that. They are not for people who want to profit! And we are really proud of the work both of us do and are comfortable not rolling in the cash to do so. Though my business has been growing, so fingers crossed that we will be loaded in the future (jk, I actually love our simple life)!

We've been on almost all the government programs at one time or another. The only one I think we haven't done is TANF (emergency cash) or any of the utilities subsidy programs. That means we've been on state health insurance, WIC, food stamps (SNAP) and unemployment. And they are all different, requiring many things of each person who takes advantage of the benefits available. I cannot tell you how grateful we've been to have had access to these programs. It has been a true privilege. 

My favorite one is food stamps. They were the most generous with us, the easiest and quickest to attain and the simplest to follow. And this is important because people need easy, fast access to food. I've read many articles about how the government shouldn't be giving people free food without restrictions on things like junk food. That is a post in and of itself. I will say this, there is no better time to eat like shit than when you don't have stable work and you're scrambling. That is not the time for organic broccoli and fresh fish. There is no better time for frozen pizza and candy. And while that sounds flippant, sugary and fattening foods actually give your brain chemistry a boost in times of stress which is why we often turn to them in crisis. And while many families are not given a large amount of food stamps and that is very difficult, we qualified for a larger sum than we had previously been spending out of our own budget. What that means is, the grocery store was the one place we had money. If we wanted to share a meal with a friend, we could do so. We could not go out to the movies or out to eat, but we could have them over or bring something to contribute at their house. And that was so very needed in a time when community was a critical piece of staying sane. 

Tim and I both have college degrees from private colleges. We've both always worked in some form. And any time we've been on programs, it has been for a short period of time (with the exception of WIC and the kids state health insurance). For us, the programs exist to stabilize families. It's important to us that we use our talents and resources to benefit our community. By doing so, we've typically been underpaid, thereby qualifying us for certain programs long-term. The short term programs we've used when Tim has been between jobs. 

I've always been open about our use of government programs. There are people in my life who make derogatory comments about the programs or about those who use them and it's important to remind them that I'm on the programs too. It's like they don't see me as one of "them." But I am. No, we don't abuse the system. But that gets touted around like it's common. It's not. In fact, some of the systems are incredibly hard to use and access deliberately (unemployment raked us over the coals) to the point that even as educated adults, we've struggled through the jargon and paperwork. And the health insurance is constantly threatening to dump us with renewal dates different for each family member (Tim and I were recently dropped, with much notice, thankfully) and difficult websites to navigate. They change the names of the programs and automatically put us on the crappiest one unless we call in time to keep the kids with their pediatrician, etc. Don't get me wrong; we're grateful. But it's not easy to use or abuse. And if we didn't have access to the internet at home (as many people on programs don't), it would be nearly impossible.

One thing I will say about being on state health insurance, it is so very hard to get in to see someone new. If you already have a relationship with a doc who takes your insurance, it's all good. But they always give you a different primary (who I never saw because what was the point?) and if you want to see a specialist who hasn't seen you previously, forget it. Our "primary" was a very terrible Urgent Care facility where the doc informed me that I was using an abortifacent when I went for a refill of my birth control pill prescription that I'm on for my migraines. If I didn't know better, he could have wrangled me out of a medically necessary medication for his ideological comfort. No. Just no. Since I knew my insurance was ending soon, I tried to see all my doctors as close to the deadline as I could, refill my medications, etc. My dentist had recently commented on a mole on my neck, recommending I get it checked out. I hadn't called a dermatologist yet. When I finally did, it was a few weeks away from when I was going to lose my insurance. I called for a skin cancer screening and gave my health insurance info. The next available appointment for someone on state insurance was 5 months away. They only give away so many slots to the poor people. I mentioned that my insurance was changing in a few weeks and could they get me in sooner? No. But now that I know you'll be paying for insurance, we have a slot for you right after the new one kicks in. Poor person who might have cancer - wait 5 months for an appointment. Paying person? 2 weeks. WHAT IF I HAD HAD CANCER?!?! I didn't. But I do owe $175 for that appointment though no labs were done. 

One of my favorite (snark) comments I hear about social programs and "welfare queens" pertains to mandatory drug testing. So you get the comments about nutrition as stated above and you get the comments about addicts. Here's the question: do addicts deserve to go hungry? Are not addicts victims? Do they not need help? Let me be clear. Most people on social programs are not getting high every day. But if they were, would they be less deserving of basic care? This is the problem with capitalism. We only care about those who pull their own weight. So addicts, poor people, old people - they're a drain on our resources. We put up with kids because we have to, but everyone else needs to contribute. I get it. Contributing is important. Tim and I take great pride in the ways we contribute to our community. But in this country we define contribution by wages and most of the people who garner the highest wages are responsible for putting people on programs in the first place. How can we not see that the 1% is raping the poor? And then on top of that, we shame the poor for not providing for themselves? There are so many people in this country who would love to work a full-time job that provides for their families needs. Many of those jobs are not available. Many people I know who are working poor work multiple, difficult, part-time jobs. And they are part-time so their rich employers don't have to provide them with benefits. Who's lazy now?

Sun's Out, Modesty Voices are Loud

I make a point of reading body positive material. And there is much to read about "beach bodies", "bathing suit season" and anything to do with the fact that it's officially hot and people need to be comfortable in said heat. This butts up against my culturally implanted mental poison of thinking my body and all women's bodies are primarily ornamental and need to be beautiful to be seen. There is a lot of material around this. That our bodies are beautiful but also functional and being in public as a woman is in no way a bid for attention towards our bodies but actually an act of living life. Believe it or not, women in the grocery are actually there to buy food, not to field comments about their asses. This season also resurrects my church issued purity culture baggage which claims my body is overtly sexual and needs to be covered because it is bad and bad things happen when I "flaunt" my female figure. "Flaunt" in this case means anything that shows that I am female. 

It's hot. The northwest does not get hot in comparison to other parts of the country. But summer is hot for us. And that is a funny thing because we've been so conditioned to not require heat or sun that when it emerges it's both glorious and disorienting. So, we sweat and genuinely feel distressingly overheated when it's 85 degrees. It's kind of cute and kind of awful. 

I spend my summer juggling my work and my children. During the school year, many rhythms are built around school and work fits nicely into that. In the summer, all bets are off. I've wavered between having structured summers with classes and camps to give us a sense of normalcy and fun and having loosey-goosey summers where I burn out because there isn't enough space for me to be building my energy back up before the sun comes up at 5am yet again. It's a tricky time. That being said, I spend my time crouching to pick up my kids shit strewn across parks and pushing littles on swings and sweating. A lot. There is an awful lot of water play and many moments of panic as I try to keep my children from drowning.  

The reason I mention my summer lifestyle is because I need a wardrobe that accommodates our activities. I like to look good. I don't want to wear cuts of clothing that make me feel fat or frumpy. I want to be cool. Airflow is a must. I don't want to wear layers, as it defeats the purpose of wearing clothes in the summer at all. I need my ass to not be hanging out (this is a challenge, having long legs). As my weight fluctuates, sometimes I prefer to have material between my thighs as I do not live in a reality that includes thigh gaps and again, it's hot. Chafing is a no. I like to wear shoes with airflow but without blisters, please. I like to have a bathing suit that covers the goods and stays put as once again, preventing drowning is my primary purpose in the water rather than sunbathing and not moving.  But I'm 35 not 65 and ideally, my bathing suit would reflect my age in a reasonable way. And boobs...oh boobs. They are a tricky, tricky thing. I love my boobs, as should every woman regardless of their size. Boobs rock. BUT modesty culture does not like boobs. Ideally, they would not exist. In spite of that, my boobs are present every morning when I get dressed. This creates regular drama for me and for all of us who get to own boobs.

As most women experience, each outfit that I own or shop for hits most of these marks but never all of them. And so this morning, I wore a pair of bicycle shorts under my dress to avoid the ass hanging out inevitability. Now, I'm in a sundress that I adore, hides my tummy and has a darling print. But there's a solid inch of cleavage. Yesterday I wore a dress that hugged in all the right places (hubby was thrilled) but it was short. I decided I didn't care and loved it all day. It was really hot yesterday. The dress is tight so there was not a real ass hanging out threat. But whenever I dress in a way I like, I wrestle the demons of old. If cleavage is showing and I'm around a friend who still prefers their ladies covered, I pull at the top the whole time I'm around them. And this has got to stop. 

I want to get to a point where I love my body. I'm doing pretty good with it. I'm really proud of the capability of my body and the beauty is so-so. It's a day-by-day thing. But I think I'm in a pretty good place overall. I have no interest in degrading or berating myself. But I wanted to acknowledge for any of the women out there who struggle to dress in the summer either because they're not a size 8 and therefore the world tells them they should not enjoy airflow in the heat or because they grew up in purity culture and wrestle with only being allowed to look so good before they hit flaunting status, you are not alone. And men have no idea what this is like. I'm proud of myself for dressing in a way that I would never have allowed myself to dress before. And I'm acknowledging to myself that this is a very big deal. So if you see my ass or my tits this summer, I'm not gonna lie. It's on purpose. 

When Humanity Takes a Backseat to Greed

I'm not going to lie, friends. I'm struggling with our government. I'm deeply discouraged. There are some nonsensical, horrid things happening. Yes, I know we're resisting. Yes, I know a lot has not passed that was proposed. But I'm sure you've read the bill that just made it through the House about proposed health care changes. The one that says rape is a pre-existing condition. Yeah, that one. I'm honestly struggling to put into words how angry and frustrated I feel about this. And there are so many other things about this bill to be angry about. For now, though, I'll just unpack this one bulging suitcase - the fact that we have a man in office who assaults women and then encourages legislation that prohibits women from getting medically necessary care when these things happen. Not even just when these things happen. FOR ALL TIME AFTER THESE THINGS HAPPEN EVEN IF THEY ARE SEEKING CARE FOR OTHER REASONS. 

I'm in a rage. I want to break things. I want to scream. There is absolutely no logical reason for something like this to have even been SUGGESTED. Who in their right mind comes up with this as a possible solution to our health care expenses? In a culture where we further victimize women who come forward, who experience full-blown, life-long character assassinations for speaking truth and advocating for justice? And is there real justice after assault???? Even if that person rots in prison, even if in a civil suit restitution is made, there is no undoing assault. Read the letter from the victim of Brock Turner if you don't know what assault does to the human mind, soul and body. 

So what we do is we block women from getting the care they need. We reinforce social norms (read: rape culture) to shame women, blame women, marginalize women FOR BEING ASSAULTED. I'm literally wringing my hands right now. I just can't even wrap my mind around this. There is no justification for this legislation. There is no peace, no justice, no fucking humanity in this. NONE. Where have we buried our humanity?!?! When did we trade our souls for money? When did we decide that a woman bloodied, battered and torn open is not deserving of justice, care, basic human rights? Where inside of each of us is the place that says that it is ok to blame someone for a life-altering traumatic experience? Rape is not ok. Blaming someone for rape is further victimizing victims. How is this a gray area? 

At what point did we decide that penises are not attached to brains with fully functioning control centers? We must control our impulses to harm other people. And if we cannot, we need to be removed from society. We do not alter society to enable predators. We care for predators by tucking them away. I'm sorry. We need to understand that man is responsible for man's actions. We need to understand that tiptoeing around violence increases violence. We must stand up. We must fight back. We must love our fellow man, woman and child. We belong to each other. How do we not see that? And if we do, how do we trade that interconnectedness for profit? How can we profit from throwing women into mass graves, leaving us to the wolves of violence and lust and a total lack of personal responsibility? This is not winning. This is not making America great again. This is fundamentally irresponsible. This is re-victimizing victims. This is violence. It cannot be tolerated. If you won't reach into that mass grave and pull women out, get the hell out of my country. 

International Women's Day

I spent yesterday trying to figure out how I wanted to participate in the various protests going on around the country on behalf of this very important day and I finally figured it out. I'm going to write this post. Because there's nothing more threatening to patriarchy than an intelligent, confident woman speaking her mind on a platform she created. 

For one, women are physical beasts in the best sense of the word. I think we are so fantastically beautiful, capable and strong. The evolution we go through in a lifetime from menstruation to pregnancy to breastfeeding to menopause is absolutely phenomenal. We are capable of creating and sustaining life. MULTIPLE TIMES. And we can do it while working in fields and with men who are dangerous living in our homes and we survive. (I know sometimes we don't and we shouldn't have to no matter what, but we are still beasts). We go through all the difficulties of high school but we bleed while doing it. Sometimes I think our culture is so picky about women's looks because if we weren't objectified, do you have any idea how powerful we would be? Women work hard and do things no one else wants to do. We don't have to and shouldn't have to unless we want to but we are beasts all the same.

All the changes that our bodies make are just markers for what we've brought forth. So my boobs are saggier. They look that way because I spent nights nurturing my crying infant. Night after night after night. No, I don't need to go under general anesthesia to "correct" them. THEY'RE AMAZING. I'm so pleased with their function and their beauty. I have stretch marks. That's because my firstborn took over and crowded me out. And you know what? That kid is a force to be reckoned with. I'm happy that wherever she goes in life, I will bear the marks of being her mother. I'm proud. There is no shame in your body changing, whether it's because you brought forth life or because you grew too fast as a kid. Your body is your home and loving it might take a lot of mental work because we've been constantly told it's subpar. But it is worth the work to love it, I promise.  

I know we're not just what we're capable of physically. Many women choose not to procreate or want to and are unable. That does not in any way make you less of a woman, nor are those of us who have procreated any more important or valuable. I just think the female body is the most incredible thing. And I refuse to degrade myself because in fulfilling one of its incredible capabilities, it changed. Our culture worships the 19 year old body. And my body was really nice at 19. But 35 rocks too. And I'm planning on 75 rocking as well. We are beautiful. 

We are so much more than our bodies. Many women weren't born women and I don't want to overemphasize our physicality (it just happens to be really cool). I think the female spirit is very resilient. I feel like we bear more longer. And that's not to say "yeah for female suffering!" because we need to end female suffering. In a lot of ways, I think female suffering is about keeping us unaware of how incredible we are. To continue to emphasize our dependence or physical differences (notice I did not say inabilities) is to continue to be in control of us. And so we see so much female suffering in the world. We belittle, degrade, rape and abuse women. And women realizing their incredible-ness doesn't save us from oppression. We have to knock that shit down brick by brick and I'm gonna. You should too, especially on behalf of so many who can't.

One of the ways I love taking power back in my life is in my business. I work for myself. And no one can take my business from me. No one can fire me. No one can limit my income or tell me how to do my job. And I get to use my time as I see fit. I recognize that this is a huge privilege. So I don't really like "bootstraps" talk about women and economic abilities because there are so many things that women do that are not honored or properly compensated. And some women support their families in critical, non-monetary ways. Many of my friends have young children and husbands who are rarely home. So much would not work without their constant presence as the "glue." But it's something I'm really passionate about when I recruit for my business. I LOVE to help people live in a way that gives them more independence. Everyone should have more choices. I hate to see anyone backed into a corner. And if you work for yourself, even if you have an additional job with a boss, it often opens up possibilities you wouldn't otherwise have both in finance and personal development. I love empowering people to take back their life and live however they want to. 

So on this very important day, I want to say, women should do whatever the hell they want to do. Women should have kids if they want to. Women should not have kids if they want to. Women should get married if they want to. Women shouldn't get married if they want to. Women should work traditional jobs if they want to. Women shouldn't work traditional jobs if they don't want to. I think women innately are more aware of how our choices affect our families and our communities at large. And I guess what I'd like to do for women everywhere today is to give you permission to make the choices you actually want to make. Live the life you want. And if that's not possible, try to find a way to get there in time. I know I say this from a place of privilege. I'm in a stable family with a supportive husband. And my kids are getting bigger. But you (women) deserve the best, the most, everything life has to offer. Don't worry about being selfish. Don't worry about taking center stage in your own life. Take it. Own it. It's already yours. 

Misplaced Guilt in a New Presidency

I don't really subscribe too much to "mommy guilt." I believe my kids are their own people and it's my job to get them ready for adulthood. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, mostly because I really, really give a shit. So even when people mess up, if they care, that counts for a lot, in my opinion. I read. I listen. I care about my kids. I raise them with intention and I try to do right by them.

And then Penny got her first ear infection. She's 3 and a half, so that's actually really good. But, as I said in my Dirty Little Secret post, I'm in the Health and Wellness business. I've grown up in it and am a big proponent of preventative, natural medicine. Don't worry: I go to the doctor, vaccinate, and still feed my children chicken nuggets. I'm not a robot!!! (Love all my gals who don't do those things too - no judgment here ladies!) But one of the problems with having a natural solution to every problem is that you live in a way where you feel more in control. While that sounds awesome (and it is!) it can be easy to forget that none of us have actual, total control. I don't have control over the cold Penny got a week ago that I just cannot shake. That child has been so dosed with nutrients and essential oils and every possible solution and guess what? She got an ear infection. I'm sad.

And I've done a lot to feel in control of the terrible things happening in the world. I've marched. I've gone to racial justice training and meetings. I've advocated for people. I've read. I'm working on dismantling my blind spots (privilege). But, Donald Trump is still president. And he just cut the EPA's budget by $1 billion. Among A LOT of other HORRIFYING things.

I sell green cleaners. It makes the world a better place. I've been doing that for 12 years, helping families lower their carbon footprint, lower their toxic exposure and save money. But in one fell swoop, with one swipe of that pen, I feel like the environment (and all the humans he's targeting specifically in other news) is going to shit anyway. 

There's nothing I can do about that. And I'm grieving. Because I really, really care. I care about the planet. I care about my kids. I care about illegal immigrants. I care about people of color and police brutality. I care. I care. I care. And that pen is killing me. 

Okay. Time to sell some more green cleaners. Who's in?

Why I March

I got to participate in the Portland Women's March today and I just want to bottle up this feeling. I liken it to how I felt after Christian summer camp, where you experience a high so intense you just never want to come back down. Inevitably you do, but I want to ride this wave of optimism and hope as long as I can. I've never had the high experience in such a big way politically. I am so moved and grateful and proud that we were 100,000 strong today. For those of you not in this area, that is 10 percent of the city's population. It gives me goosebumps. I don't want to live anywhere else. Ever.

The sense of solidarity. The massive diversity. The signs that made you laugh. The signs that made you think. The sense of hope. The power of numbers. I just wish everyone who wanted to be there could have been. And that's part of why I want to preserve this feeling, to pass it along. I feel like for every person in the 100k today, there were 10 more behind them unable to attend who would have liked to participate. And there are so, so many reasons not to protest. It was pouring rain. It's inconvenient. It's time-consuming. It can be dangerous. There are always other things that need tending to (I ended up with a sick kid at home today who I was so saddened to leave). There are so many reasons to not march. So many people I knew were traveling, working or physically unable to march. 

I just want you to know that protesting matters. That seeing the numbers come in meant something. To me. To the whole world who marched with us today. Not just Americans. People in Antarctica protested, dude. Participating gave me so much hope. I can't tell you how many conversations I overheard on the MAX of people saying how alone they've been feeling and how encouraging and empowering marching was for them. THERE ARE SO MANY OF US. No matter who's in office, we will not abandon our principles. We will not back down from fighting for the rights of every human in this country. And how that plays out in the world has a huge effect as well. We matter. And we will make our voices heard. If you're worried about this new administration revoking your hard-earned rights, your health care, your security, we will fight for you. We will speak up. We are reading and we are chanting and we are marching. This is just the beginning. You are loved. You matter. We want to dismantle privilege and make sure everyone has equal access to resources and human rights. 

I had to leave a sick kid at home today. And I did not get to bring my oldest with me because she had a theater commitment. But I was mothering today in a big way. I mother my own children in marching for their rights as girls, proclaiming that their pussies are their own (not up for grabs, thank you), and that they are so much more than ornamental. I mothered all the people who need an advocate and someone to look out for them today. As someone with white privilege who wants to participate in dismantling systemic racism, I stood up to be counted as an ally. We are women. We are so, so strong. I truly believe women have the capacity to endure so much more shit than any other demographic and we will persevere. We have and we will continue to do so. And we will carry the burdens of others and fight til this is done. 

It was incredible to witness the diversity of the crowd today. Young, old, white, black, brown, male, female, trans, Jew, Christian, atheist...it moved me to tears repeatedly. I saw tiny children and little old couples marching and I just about died of pure joy. We really can make a difference. We really do have hope, tangible, transferable hope. We really do care about our fellow man. And while many today will climb back into their unsupportive communities and feel alone again in time, we know that there are MILLIONS of people willing to get soaked to the bone to remind their fellow woman, child and man that we care. We strengthened each other today and we sent a global message that bigotry will not go unnoticed on our watch. Our eyes are wide open and we will not be quiet. Thank God.